jokes

1) A man goes into a bar and sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. "You look terrible," says the man, "What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," says the friend, "and left me £25,000." "Gee, that's tough," replies the man. "Then in September," says the friend, staring deep into his glass, "my father died, leaving me £90,000." "Wow! Two parents gone in two months," replies the man, "No wonder you're depressed." The friend continues: "And last month my aunt died, and left me £15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months. How sad," says the man in a comforting tone. "Then this month," his friend goes on, "absolutely nothing!" 

2) A very inebriated man walks into a nightclub and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walks over to her, places his hand up her skirt and begins fondling her. Instantly, she jumps up and slaps him silly. "I'm sorry," the drunk stammers. "I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole," screams the woman. "That's funny," he slurs. "You sound like her, too." 

3) Four fonts walk into a bar. Barman says: "Oi! Get out! We don't want your type in here!" 

4) A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer won't be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap three-year-old house scotch instead. The man takes a sip, spits the scotch out on the bar and screams at the bartender: "This is the cheapest three-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch." The bartender, now enjoying the challenge, pours the man a slightly better six-year-old scotch. Again, the man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only six-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this. I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch." The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. At that point, an old drunk, who has witnessed the entire episode from the end of the bar, walks up to the expert scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him. "What do you think of this?" he asks. The guru takes a sip, and in disgust, spits out the yellow liquid, yelling: "It tastes like piss!" "That's right," says the drunk, "Now tell me how old I am."

5) Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says: "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot. The second mouse slams a shot and says: "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" ask his friends. He turns and replies: "I'm going home to shag the cat." 

6) Late one evening, after closing time, an exhausted tourist knocks on the door of an isolated, countryside pub, the George and Dragon. The landlady sticks her head out of the window. "Excuse me, I'm lost and hungry, could you spare me a little food?" the tourist asks. The woman glances at his dirty clothes and shouts back, "No!" "Could I at least use your loo?" the tourist pleads. "No!" the landlady shouts again. "Then," the tourist says, "might I please..." "What now?" barks the woman. "Do you suppose," he asks, "I might have a word with George?"  

7) Black Tarmac and Concrete are arguing in a bar. Black Tarmac turns to Concrete and says: "I'm harder that you, I built the M1!" Concrete retorts: "I'm harder that you! I built Heathrow's runways!" Just then the door bursts open and Red Tarmac and Concrete go quiet. The barman notices and asks them why they aren't saying anything. "We might be hard," says Concrete, "but he's a bloody cycle path!" 

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?